Wednesday, April 15

A Dang Poem

Wings by Stephen Berg

In the modest plot I see them
kneeling to pick tomatoes, yanking weeds,
squatting between rows of broccoli, squash, beans,
Bill’s pulled-back pony tail, Cathy’s fine ass,
two sheds Bill built, rakes bunched against a wall –
the Jew I am had to buy a Badminton set
for the clear space of grass next to their garden
where net, poles, stakes, chalk lines would be,
then shuttlecocks, no plastic, real feathers only,
at least six rackets – every summer
out there eating and drinking we would play hard,
& I, the oldest, I must say, beat the living shit
out of everyone – adults, teenagers, kids –
a great pro blessed with wings – in my head.

Monday, April 6

Coming Out

 It's opening day (mostly) and I'm ready to announce my 2015 Baseball Gang!

We did it everyone! We did it. And it was not easy. I want to thank all of my friends for their support during this time. You made this dream a reality and I couldn't have done it without all of your gentle guidance. I really had to make some sacrifices here, including the fact that I don't love these colors and I've never been to Toronto. I have yet to find a shirt that I'd actually wear, which is a problem because almost nothing about baseball matters to me as much as outfits do. But this is my team. I chose it and I'm going to be A Fan (assuming there's like, an app I can download that will keep me up to date on things).

Here are the reasons I chose the Blue Jays.

Bird. I like birds and I care about mascots. I really wanted the Orioles but all of the orange is just unforgivable. Maybe I settled for a Blue Jay, but it's fine. Blue Jays are pretty rad to see IRL, probably cooler than an Oriole, so it's fine.

Players I Would. Are the Blue Jays the most bearded team in baseball? I don't know. I'm just asking. I Googled and saw there were many beards, many other potential QT’s (I’ll have to watch a game to know for sure). I'm not even a super beard fangirl really, but I am a big fan of Daniel Norris and his yuppie hippie bullshit. Remember how on 30 Rock Jon Hamm was a huge moron but he was super hot so he got away with stuff? like they just gave him a medical degree and cops would tear up his tickets and everybody just pretended he was right even when he wasn't? This is how I feel about Daniel Norris. Also who doesn't like a hot/weird pitcher?

Canada's Ok. I like Canada. I like Canadian music and television programming and beer. They’re doing ok up there.

Drake is from Toronto. Do you think he goes to baseball games? I don’t know, but he does have a hat.

They Won Twice in a Row! I’ve been searching for a kewl vintage shirt to wear and I noticed from some sweatshirts that in the 90’s the team won the World Series twice! Way to go, guys. We did it. Twice.

Fanbase Seems Pretty Chill. These are definitely the kinds of people I want to be around at games.

I can't make any claims like "It's going to be a good season" because I honestly have no idea. I've been meaning to read some preseason prediction thing but I'm trying to finish this article about toilets first. However, I can say that it's going to be a fun season of me looking like an asshole and pretending to know what I'm talking about, which everybody always loves. It's how I got both of my degrees and what I do for a living. Play ball dudes!

Saturday, February 28

What Baseball Team Should I Like?

Watching people get super revved up over sports is really hard. They get so invested in games and rules and players, they get tense and emotional and have physical, uninhibited reactions, and I'm usually just struggling to get a buzz. I literally do not care at all about anything that much, so watching sports with people often leaves me feeling very empty. Am I missing something? Am I a sociopath? Why don't I love anything?
This year I'm going to love baseball. It's the year, it's my year, and I'm going to watch games and care. I think. I'm going to try. But I have to pick a team first.
I live in North Dakota so our default team is the Minnesota Twins. This is an okay team. The colors are okay, the ball park is really beautiful and close enough to go see games, and the name allows for lots of fun boob jokes. A few years ago the team also used to be full of cuties, which is a huge bonus, but they really suck and Joe Mauer has lost his twinky, whole milk Minnesota sex appeal so I'm just not all that interested.
My other default option is the Detroit Tigers. This is my husband's team. Aside from this just being a default, the colors are okay, the mascot is great (I am a 1986 Tiger myself), and the ball park is lovely, if very far away. But I just feel like I need more than that.

Here is what I'm looking for in a team:

1. Good Colors - My spring palette is black, white, navy and denim and my accents are light blue and bubble gummy pink. I could do red but I'm hesitant because that was my fall accent color.  I will not do purple, orange or green unless it's for the right team. I really like the White Sox colors but I don't even really know baseball and I know the White Sox are the most evil, despicable team in the league.

2. Good Mascot - I am not a fish, not a pirate, not a racist caricature, not a sock. I would love to be a bird, but I'm having some issues with the colors of the birds. The Orioles sound really lovely but I just don't know if I can avoid that orange enough to put together a solid baseball outfit. I was very sad to find that the Maple Leafs are a hockey team.

3. Least Amount of Douchebag Players - I'd like to cheer for a roster that doesn't include a long list of accused rapists, wife beaters, drug addicts, bigots and/or assholes. Sluts are okay.

4. Largest Amount of Cuties - Baseball butts, amirite? If a team has 5 or more cuties in this range of bangability, let's go. I'm on board. As far as I'm concerned a good team roster should be 2/3 boy band good looks and 1/3 Prince Fielder's vegan bear hotness.

5. Interesting Chants, Supserstitions, Lore - One of the best things about baseball is how weird it is. Put your hat on inside out and don't talk to the guy who's pitching a no hitter and everyone's on LSD and the wave keeps happening and Kiss Cam. This stuff is super fun, but I'd really love to find a team that has their own special brand of weird. At Rockies games there was a chant for Troy Tulowitzki and everyone said "Go Rocks!" which I just think is so fun because "rocks" is a good word to say. I think a team with a ghost would be fantastic.

The regular seasons starts in early April, so I've got some time to decide, and if I can't choose then I'll probably just get really into weight lifting or meth or some other activity that people can be passionate about and share their passion with others. I just want to fit in.

Monday, January 26

Things I Like RN (Mostly Foods)

I got to binge on a bunch of Steven Universe on a plane and have been obsessed ever since. The show is about a little boy with latent magical powers and three alien ladies who keep watch over him, helping him to learn his powers and make sense of his existence. Steven's dad is a failed rock star and his mom, an alien herself, gave up her corporeal form to have him. There are lots of unanswered questions, particularly about Steven's mother, and the show spends a lot of time with him seeking answers to help better understand her and who she was. This aspect of the show, while not the only major aspect (there are still plenty of cartoon elements - coming of age tropes, battles, more common struggles a little boy might face like older kids, meanies, fights with your best friend, etc.) is what keeps me invested. Rebecca Sugar has beautifully captured what it's like to miss a parent who is no longer around, to struggle trying to know a person who no longer exists, and has packaged it in a way that is positive and accessible to not only kids but adults as well. This clip is definitely spoilery, but I think it really sums up what I mean. Also the music is really fantastic.

I'm not proud of my love for frozen pierogies, but it's there, it's real, and I can't shake it. The way I see it, a plate of forzen pierogies is a lot healthier than a frozen pizza, so there. I love them with plain Greek yogurt and a salad dressing of 1 tbsp oil, 2 tbsp soy sauce and rice wine vinegar each, garlic and onion powder, sesame seeds and red pepper flakes.

Broad City has been on Amazon Prime for a minute and I finally watched the whole thing in a day a couple weeks ago (just in time for the new season) and was elated. The show is hilarious. The premise is classic - two 20-somethings struggle to make it in the big city - but that's where classic ends. It's a female buddy comedy, as bawdy and gnarly and stupid as Ass Backwards or Bridesmaids. I have a weird thing where I don't laugh at TV or movies unless I find a joke absolutely, uproariously funny. This show gets me howling. Bonus: the adorable Hannibal Buress plays an even more adorable dentist.

Have you had green onions? They're amazing. You can put them in anything and it's instantly better. For whatever reason, though, I have hard time keeping them fresh in my fridge? Like, an onion will stay edible for a month, but these are kaput in a day. I don't know what I'm doing wrong (and I'm not going to correct anything I'm already doing) but that's the only reason they're not 100% superior to an actual regular onion.

I spend a good deal of winter in a modestly heeled black leather ankle boot. The shoe looks a little fancier than a flat and goes well with almost all of my outfits, the leather keeps my feet warm, and I'm more conscious of my walking so I never slip. I haven't slipped and fallen on ice (sober) in over 3 years. This is a feat in North Dakota, okay. Still, this year I thought maybe it would be an okay idea to have a pair of flats on hand, so I bought these at a discount around Christmas. I love the Chelsea boot style and will definitely continue purchasing this style for a few years because holy cow it feels good to easily slip in and out (while my idiot friends must tie and untie, zip and unzip!) of a comfy boot that is rugged enough to carry me around like a bad ass through alleys and snowy fields and what not without the boot itself being some L.L. Bean monstrosity. These boots are kind of shit and won't make it to next year, but I'm happy with the overall purchase and will be looking into a pair of Doc Martens next winter.

Honorable Mentions:

Pretzel Buns - make aioli with a little soy sauce thrown in and eat anything, literally anything on it, and it'll be delicious. A friend suggested this pairing with a grilled Portobello mushroom that had been marinated in balsamic vinaigrette. I hate mushrooms but tried it anyway and that was a tasty Goddamn sandwich.

Unseasonably Warm Weather - it feels like March here in the Dakotas. I guess the East Coast is about to get slammed and here we are in 45 degrees wearing t-shirts and taking our dogs to the park. A colleague joked about how no good can come of this, that in our relaxed state we will be barraged with the storm to end all storms, but I think after last winter this is exactly what was coming to us. WE EARNED THIS.

A Non-Pizza Body - I stopped working out last October because it's the fucking holidays, I don't have time to exercise, okay? Maybe I just didn't want to. It doesn't matter. It's none of your business. I recently returned to the gym thinking I could run a half mile and would keel over, but I've been running miles pretty easily and will be back up to speed shortly. I'm glad my body is strong and didn't turn into pizza during our hiatus.

Friday, January 23


This is the best thing I've done with a camera phone in the 10 years that I've had one and honestly I can't believe I didn't do it sooner.