On My Brain

Here is a list of stuff that I've been thinking about lately.

-The history of guitars, especially electric guitars.
-"Mexican sushi" - a thing my husband said and now I want to make.
-One Direction, especially Harry and Louis.
-The possibility of an inherently queer nature (that is, a nature that undermines heteronormativity in some way) in artistic creation. Artistic creation can be anything from a painting to a poem to a blog post, even a book report could be considered artistic creation and so also queer by nature.
-Things I'm going to wear when I no longer have to wear at least 2 pairs of tights every day.
-Universal symbols, like numbers, and how they came to be 'universal'.
-Why my house is so dirty all the time.
-Why my house is so cold all the time.
-How people who speak English as a foreign/second language compose in English, and different ways to improve and streamline that process as a teacher of English composition.
-What it would be like to own a 3-legged dog and what I would name him and all of the clothes I would buy him. I don't care if you don't like dog clothes, I do and your opinion does not effect mine.
-Why dog clothes are so controversial. What the hell, they're dog clothes, most dogs don't even care.
-Girl rock bands and how I should have been introduced to them at a much earlier age.
-How can I introduce my teen sister to girl rock bands when mostly she just likes cute boys?
-Cute boys.
-Cute ladies.
-Bikinis and why I can't find one I like.
-What it means to be a 'whole person'.

50 Ways to Woo a Man (Maybe a Woman?)

I've been reading a lot of pick up artist stuff lately and I've come to realize that I'm something of a pick up artist myself. I'm well regarded for my man-wooing skills and many people ask me how I've come to be adored by so many hot, young gentlemen. It is definitely not because of the way I look. Here are some tips for creating your own stable, one dude at a time (maybe girls? I don't know, I've never tried).

1. Fart on him.
2. Give him a plot summary of your favorite anime, taking special care to note the differences between the anime and the manga.
3. Cook for him, but things he says he doesn't like that you do so you can prove to him what good food actually tastes like.
4. Take him to a play in French even though he doesn't speak French.
5. Text him a lot.
6. Ask him who is favorite member of One Direction is.
7. Dress slutty, but weird. Variation: Dress weird, but slutty.
8. Talk to him about your "fur babies."
9. Shave your legs twice a year. He probably won't notice your leg hair or lack of, but make sure you call a lot of attention to it.
10. Google pictures of sharks with him.
11. Sometimes talk in a weird voice.
12. Do this. (Probably NSFW, 18+)
13. Make him a sandwich, but then eat half of it. 
14. Start collecting bugs.
15. Pick at his back zits.
16. Pick at his front zits.
17. Pick at all of his zits.
18. Write him a poem about sandwiches.
19. Introduce him to your shapeless lounge wear collection.
20. Agree to watch a dumb movie he likes with him, like Commando or Slap Shot, and fall asleep in the middle.
21. Put stickers on his stuff.
22. Fight with him a lot about your driving.
23. Be taller than him.
24. Ask him to read the academic paper you wrote about furries and Foucault.
25. Tell him you're a ghost.
26. Make him a mix CD of your favorite girl bands/Smiths songs/late 90's Southern rap.
27. Cry.
28. Tell him you're a feminist.
29. Dress gyaru. 
30. Show him how long you can hold your breath under water.
31. Tickle him.
32. Make him watch terrible movies with you. Have you ever seen Rockula?
33. Tell him about your period.
34. Better yet, have your period in his bed.
35. Show him how much you can eat. 
36. Ask him if he's ever done stuff with another guy and then explain to him how it doesn't make him gay.
37. Paint him a picture of an animal that you like.
38. Sing him your favorite Taylor Swift song.
39. Ask him to take you to shoot guns.
40. Wear tall socks.
41. Shake hands with his dog.
42. Ask him what his middle name is.
43. Tweet about bowel movements probably.
44. Cancel a date with him because you have to watch a TV show about a Sasquatch or aliens or white supremacists.
45. Call him "kitty" or "chicken" or "pickle" or "bunny" or something.
46. Tell him about your elaborate makeup ritual and then get mad when he tells you that you're pretty without it.
47. Obsess about popular culture.
48. Flirt with his dad.
49. Show him all your old wounds.
50. Write a weird blog.

The Sea and the Man

Some people I know need things that I am not able to give them no matter how much I wish I could. But I looked for and found this poem, so there is that. I can give you that.

The Sea and the Man
by Anna Swir

You will not tame this sea
either by humility or rapture.
But you can laugh
in its face.

Laughter
was invented by those
who live briefly
as a burst of laughter.

The eternal sea
will never learn to laugh.

February 14th

I hate Valentine's Day.
If you're single it can be such a blow to everything about you that makes you feel awesome. Even if you're not looking for someone, even if you're happy being alone, the marketing campaign for Valentine's Day is such a ruthless onslaught of HEARTS and LOVE and COUPLES that it's really hard not to feel bad about yourself for something that you actually have very little control over. Valentine's Day and the pervasive love culture in our society make us feel like it's easy to meet someone, it's easy to fall in love, it's easy to be happy, and it's fucking not. It is very difficult to do all of those things regardless of your relationship status. This year is the first year in many that I have more single friends than I do in couples and it bums me out to no end thinking about them thinking about Valentine's Day and feeling bad about themselves because some shitty construct designed only to make money is telling them that's how they should feel. It bums me out that it's not something they can avoid, really, and that by week's end they'll be listening to The Cure and The Magnetic Fields and just feeling like shit. And if that's not the case, awesome for them!, but that's exactly how it would go for me if I were single.
I've had someone to spend Valentine's Day with for most of my adult life, and it's still pretty awful. There is something about this holiday that is so forced and so fake that it's awkward and shitty. Maybe it's me? I just can't remember that last time I didn't cringe when the man I was dating turned to me and said, "What do you want to do for Valentine's Day?" Well, here are our options: We can try to go and eat at a stupid packed restaurant, we can go see a shitty movie, probably a horror movie because they release a lot of those around this time of year, why? Or we can cook dinner at home, which sounds nice, but then there's still this pressure for it to be special or perfect or whatever, and when I eat too much because the food is good and I'm bloated and I don't want to have sex, somehow the evening is ruined. And then we can't find anything on Netflix and we're not really speaking to each other anymore but it's not really a fight, either, and the night just sucks because it wasn't what the Valentine's Day Gods say it should be. We didn't slaughter the lamb. We didn't drink each others blood. We didn't gaze into each others eyes in a trance and chant the old rites: I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you...
And fuck flowers, man. I love a garden, but do not buy me flowers. Buy me a pair of tights. Buy me a cup of coffee and a pastry. Do not buy me something that is going to die and make a mess on my table and then I'm going to feel bad when I throw them in the garbage and don't save one of them and press it between a book.
Valentine's Day enforces this idea of a ridiculous, fluffy romantic love that is so difficult to produce, and is so cheesy that it feels wrong and stupid when you're pretending you've got it. I've had a lot of boyfriends with a lot of different ideas about love, romance, sentimentality, etc., but I can for sure say this: romance is, first of all, not pink, and it's not something you can buy. It's organic, it's spontaneous, and a lot of times its really simple. Romance is being bored together on a summer day and deciding to go for a drive and you made a new mix CD and together you caught the sun going down over the prairie and it was nice for a few minutes. It's waking up on a Sunday with hangovers and feeling terrible but still good because you're in bed together from dawn to dusk laughing and sleeping and eating sandwiches and maybe trying to watch a Star Trek movie but making out instead, even though you both reek. It's the very drunken early morning dance party that kept you up until dawn but you just didn't want it to stop. Romance is a tiny thing that only happens every now and again and you can't ever make it or plan for it, it just happens, and that's why it's lovely, because it's rare.
Valentine's Day is not romantic. If anything, Valentine's Day should be as unromantic as possible. It should be about telling people you love, all the people you love, that you love them and you appreciate them. It should be about making cupcakes for all your friends and family and going to watch a horror movie and eating too many slices of pizza, and if you get laid, you get laid. That could happen any day. Just like you could make cupcakes any day, just like you could tell someone you love them any day. It's whatever, February 14th, just some day. Fuck it.

Wardrobe Hacks

I buy a lot of shitty clothes and don't generally treat them with the most respect (I live pretty hard, ya'll. I also live in a perpetual state of weather, so). The other day I brought a pair of boots back to life, again, and I realized that I've been keeping my old lady secrets for clothing revival to myself.

The Sweater Comb. If you're like me you have about a million cheap acrylic and wool blend sweaters you haven't taken the best care of and they're all full of pills and are irritating and ugly and you have a hard time bringing yourself to actually buy decent sweaters that are better at resisting pills. Look, all you need to do is buy one of these little $3 handhelds and go to town on your knitwear and you're good to go. You literally just comb the little guys off, and it is so satisfying. Like Furminating a cat, I swear. There's a pretty wide variety of pill-removing apparatuses, actually, but this is the only thing I've used to revive my Forever 21-quality clothing. It works well, but does take time and elbow grease. If you swear by another brand or tool, tell me! I'm always looking to improve my clothing's quality of living.

RIT Dye. I like my denim dark, and faded black and blue jeans just don't cut it, so I'm often dying jeans to get them back to the beautiful, deep, dark colors they had when I bought them. Obviously washing in cold water and skipping fabric softener, then hanging to dry will help your jeans live longer, but I tend to wear my Levis for years. And everybody likes a little facelift every now and then. Unfortunately dye is messy, so some tips I've learned over the years: Follow the instructions! Use the salt. Only dye in metal sinks or in a separate bucket. Clean up splashes immediately. If you must rinse or dispose of your dye bath in a stainable sink/tub, use lots of extra water, slowly dump the bath, and clean up with bleach immediately afterward. Always use gloves! And make sure you take the extra time to dye. The longer your clothes sit, the better the dye job.

Shoe Polish. I grew up watching my dad polish leather boots and dress shoes to a high shine on a weekly basis, and so when I purchased my first pair of leather boots (a vintage pair of Justin Lacers) I asked him to help me clean them up. It was amazing to see this pair of $4 thrift store boots turn into shiny, black, beautiful babies. You do not need military training to revive a pair of shoes, however. You need 1. Leather Dye (if they have it in your color) 2. Shoe Polish 3. A Shoe Brush 4. A Cloth. You also need actual leather shoes, duh. If your $30 plastic boots are in need of repair, toss 'em and spend money on something that can be cobbled next time.
First you clean up your boots with a little water, making sure to remove dust and mud. Let them dry and squish on the leather dye. This is where things get messy, so you need to protect your hands and surroundings. Let the dye dry (it says 24 hours, but honestly you can just give 'em an hour or so and they look fine...) and then start polishing. This is really similar to putting on makeup, I think. You swirl your rag around in the pot of dye (which will soften up with the warmth of your hand) until you have a little polish on it, then start rubbing it into the leather, paying special attention to nicks, scuffs and shoe owies. Make sure you're thorough in areas that have embellishments, stitching, and where the leather meets the sole. Once you're all polished up, let it set a bit and then use your brush to shine. Then you have to wait a whole 24 hours to wear them, and it will be a difficult 24 hours because they will be so shiny and beautiful that you just can't wait. Do not skimp on time because you can seriously ruin a pair of tights/jeans/your skin with the dye transferring. But it is so worth it to put on your old, comfy boots when they look positively new again.