Monday, July 2

A Bitch Eats Too Many Triscuits


MONDAY
I like to start the week off with pancakes – for my son, Henry. I make a big batch of sand dollar pancakes and keep them in the fridge for his breakfasts throughout the week. I have a special recipe: oats, spinach, eggs, banana and then some other shit, blended. If you’re lucky, you get the right consistency, and can make some kind-of-gummy BUT HEALTHY pancakes. Kids don’t eat food, and toddlers are total dicks, so this is a good way to get some vitamins in a kid, namely fiber and iron. Henry hasn’t pooped in about 2 days so I skip the banana and add milled flax seed, chia, and just a bit of cottage cheese for the extra protein. My friend comes over so we can binge watch Killing Eve (which is excellent!) and we eat our green pancakes with strawberries and blueberries and whipped cream. Henry eats them with maple syrup.
For lunch we have snack, which seems appropriate considering we are sitting in front of the TV. Saltine crackers (I thought I had Triscuits but didn’t and was bummed, but these were ok) and Wasa bread (better than a saltine, but still not a Triscuit) topped with sliced Colby Jack cheese and deli turkey, or cottage cheese and sriracha, or avocado and sriracha.
My friend ends up staying all the way until dinner. We have spaghetti. I did half pasta, half zucchini noodles and cook up some ground turkey and mushrooms in white wine and garlic to add to the sauce. Homemade tomato sauce seems complicated so we just buy the basic shit in a jar and doctor it up with our own stuff. It was fine. Everything was fine.

TUESDAY
For breakfast I share a chocolate chunk yogurt with Henry (and am disappointed with the chocolate-to-yogurt ratio), then we go to the grocery store because he is out of milk and I am out of shampoo. On the way I devise a plan to make a cold pesto pasta for dinner on account of the fact that it’s 85 degrees out AND we have some spinach that’s going bad, but once we are there my plan to only purchase these specific necessities and dinner supplies goes to shit because I’m hungry and PMSing. I buy a bunch of stupid stuff. Cookies, mineral water, two types of Triscuits, animal crackers for Henry (which he later refuses to eat), bell peppers I have no use for, etc. I guess upon reflection this is fine but COOKIES. I never buy cookies or crackers because I will binge eat them if given the chance. This tendency comes to fruition pretty quickly. Henry and I each have a cookie on the way home. When we get home we each have 1 more, but at first I make the motions of us only splitting 1, but that 1 turns into 2. I put them up on a high shelf where I can’t reach them or see them and thankfully forget about them for the rest of the day.
For lunch I make a big salad with baby spring greens, deli turkey, cottage cheese, avocado, carrots, cucumber and avocado. I try my best not to drench it in Italian dressing. Because I’m hungry I also make a little cheesy pita in the oven.
Lee brings home a steak for Henry – we are always trying to get protein and iron into him – and he grills it for dinner. I make spinach pesto with almonds, olive oil, parmesan and garlic, then cook ziti and mix it all together with cherry tomatoes. This sounds delicious – it was pretty bland and the pasta was a little too al dente for my taste. Almonds might be shitty for pesto? I am allergic to pine nuts and usually use walnuts, but don’t have any and can’t justify buying them when I currently have a 3lb bag of almonds in my pantry. The steak was delicious, though Henry ate none of it. For dessert, Lee bought an angel food cake for all the berries in our fridge, and I get a little buckwild with strawberries, blueberries, whipped cream AND chocolate syrup.
After dinner I am supposed to meet a friend for dinner (!!!) – I hadn’t seen her in a long time and didn’t want to be like ~I already ate~ so I just went with the intention of ordering like sweet potato fries and munching them and then bringing the rest home for Henry, but when we’re there I feel pressured by the waiter to order and get WINGS for some fucking reason. I hate meat with bones in it, and while I am trying to be an ADULT and learn to be less of a WIENER and eat the damn wings sometimes when I am presented with them by my boyfriend who eats wings like 6x a week, I would never order this on my own. AND THEN the wings had fucking claws in them still? I nibbled 1 of 4 and brought them all home, where my boyfriend, who, again, eats wings like 6x a week, had to audacity to say they looked gross. Whatever. I also had 3 American Mules which I think is like a Moscow mule but it’s made with American vodka or something stupid like that.

WEDNESDAY
I had PMS and did a lot of exercise the day prior AND ALSO have a fun history of binge eating, so I went AT IT today. It started off okay – I had my morning coffee (milk, sugar and a tablespoon of maca, ashwaghanda and raw cacao) some almonds and a couple bites off a yogurt I shared with Henry. I was saving myself for lunch – plus have been sort of ~fasting~ in the morning which is probably triggering some less-than-desired eating patterns including BINGE EATING.
For lunch I had a scrambled egg, a tortilla with melted cheddar cheese, an avocado with salsa, and some leftover black beans and sautéed spinach, onions and riced cauliflower I’d made for fish tacos about a week prior. And then I spent the rest of the day just eating shit.
I had some Triscuits with cottage cheese and sriracha, 8 soft batch Target brand chocolate chip cookies (which I dug down from the top shelf, ate 2, rehid on an even taller shelf, dug out and ate 2 more, then really tried to create some self control and put them all in the freezer, but then just ate 4 more crunchy frozen or microwaved), a bowl of watermelon, and then, after Lee and I couldn’t agree on what to eat for dinner, or who should go and get dinner and spent 2 hours going back and forth about burgers and fried chicken, he settled on sushi takeout (of which I ate 1 piece of a California roll and a couple bites of his pork fried rice) and I cooked a 4 cheese California Pizza Kitchen pizza and ate the whole thing by myself. 

THURSDAY
After a day of extreme eating, I tend to be hungrier than I might normally be, and I woke up starving. But I had a playdate scheduled early, so I skipped breakfast to get some chores done and walk the dogs. By the time I should have been leaving the house I was starving and ate a handful of almonds and picked out a mixed berry Greek yogurt to eat, but then forgot, and as Henry and I were walking out the door I quickly opened it and shoveled half of it in my mouth. I know yogurt isn’t very good for you – there is a lot of sugar, and I’m telling myself I’m cutting back on sugar – but man if it aint a quick and easy way to shovel calories into your body when you’re in a hurry. I put the rest in the fridge and finish it in the afternoon.
For lunch I have a few bites of leftover pesto pasta, and then clean up what Henry doesn’t eat, which is most of his lunch. A turkey and cheddar pita, some yogurt covered raisins, an apple (with just a little bit of peanut butter because Henry DOES want to eat a peanut butter spoon), a couple of Triscuits and some veggie tots I made the other day (carrots, peas, green beans and a shit ton of bread crumbs and cheese).
For dinner I planned to make stuffed peppers, but fell asleep at 4:30 and left to go see a movie at 6:30, so for dinner I have a Grain Belt Blu, which is a purple Grain Belt that tastes like juice (I guess it’s supposed to be blueberry idk) and is delicious, ¼ of a small Sprite, which I hated, and a small popcorn with that white cheddar powder on it, plus a couple of Junior Mints someone shared with me. Movie popcorn always gives me a stomachache but I eat it anyway because I fucking love that white cheddar dust!!!! I go to bed feeling hungry and ill.

FRIDAY
I wake up totally not in the mood to eat, which is unusual bc most of my brain space is focused on food most of the day, but I am hungry. I start with my coffee, but by 10:30 I am still in my pajamas and Henry is mad at me (we usually try to leave the house around 9 to get some exercise) and I still don’t feel like eating. I get everyone dressed and on the way out the door at about 11, I eat 4 Triscuits with cottage cheese and sriracha and exactly 2 almonds. I also slam a second cup of coffee like it’s a Bud Light at bar close because I am unable to enjoy the things I enjoy.
We get home at noon and I put Henry in bed and then putz around the kitchen on my phone. I have dishes to do, and obviously need to eat more than crackers and nuts, but I feel extremely unmotivated to do anything, so I lean over the counter and look at Twitter for 20 minutes before deciding to DO SOMETHING! and get some eggs out. I love eggs. I eat eggs all the time. My go-to quick meal is an egg taco, so I decide on this, but really don’t want it. I don’t have any already cooked vegetables or beans and don’t want to prepare any, I have no salsa or plain Greek yogurt, everything sucks, then I remember I *do* have some chevre so I switch gears. I have 2 scrambled eggs and a green salad with cucumber, both doused in black pepper with crumbled chevre. I have some few-weeks-old homemade mustard vinaigrette, which I’m afraid will suck (I remember it sucking when I made it weeks ago), but it is delicious having sat for so long. I also heat up half a pita on the pan and eat it with garlic hummus and sriracha. I enjoy this meal very much, it’s the best thing I’ve eaten in days, and I am grateful for the chevre and old salad dressing.
While I make Henry a late lunch (he naps during lunch time) I get back into the Triscuits and eat them with a slice of cheddar, hummus and sriracha and cottage cheese and sriracha I TOLD YOU I WOULD EAT THE FUCK OUT OF THESE THINGS I also have some almonds and yogurt covered raisins. Everybody hates raisins but I love them and I think it’s because my mom fed me yogurt covered raisins when I was a child, so I like to think I’m also indoctrinating my kid with them.
For dinner some friends come over and we grill chicken with this Norwegian paprika my friend brought over, I sauté zucchini, garlic, and Hungarian paprika in olive oil, and we grill some red, yellow and orange bell peppers stuffed with quinoa, sharp cheddar, sweet potatoes, mushrooms, onions and spices. I over-salted the bell pepper stuffing but it worked out with the peppers and chicken and this meal, THE PAPRIKA FEAST, was delicious! Somebody also brought over a pink angel food cake that was labeled both STRAWBERRY and CHERRY yet inexplicably tasted like neither and I drank a Devil’s Head Red Ale from the Pikes Peak Brewing Company (I was in Colorado visiting my parents recently and grabbed a 6 pack randomly – it’s good! Surprisingly smooth for a 7.8 ABV red ale) and vaguely sip on a glass of sauvignon blanc while we play board games.

SATURDAY
We are going to the farmer’s market today so fuck breakfast. I have coffee. We showed up to this thing for the food vendors and this week is something special: there is a new pierogies lady and the rental food truck thing has a woman cooking Malaysian food. Lee and I split a ham/cheese/potato and a cheese/potato pierogi, both with not enough sour cream, a curry puff, popiah (like an egg roll with jicama, cabbage and carrot) and nasi lemak rendang ayam (coconut rice with chicken in lemongrass, galangal, lime leaves, coconut milk, plus anchovies, sambal, a boiled egg and cucumber). I have no idea what any of the Malaysian stuff was, I’d never had any of it before, I had to take a picture of the food truck so I could write all of this, but it was delicious! We got the very last curry puff on account of I knew somebody working with the chef AND Henry ate a bunch of the anchovies??? We also hit up the Mennonites and had oatmeal raisin cookies and tiny pecan pies. As for actual farmer’s market shit, I bought a broccoli because I saw a little Mennonite girl munching on one like it was a fucking candy TRULY GOALS, fresh basil and some seed bread.
I went thrifting while everyone took a nap and got home starving so I ate another oatmeal cookie, then took Henry to the splash park. Afterward we were hot and Henry was just in a diaper and I’ve been craving a cheeseburger all damn week, so I did a drive through at Burger Time (a regional (?) burger chain that is shitty but good and that I actually call Good Burger) and got 2 small cheeseburgers with ketchup and pickles and a fries. I was kind of hoping Henry wouldn’t eat his because he hasn’t been eating all week and I wanted his burger, but he ate it deconstructed and left me wanting MORE BURGERS. I might have low iron rn idk?
Afterward I ate yet another oatmeal cookie with a glass of Dreaming Tree’s red blend “Crush” which is so embarrassing I’m drinking a wine owned by Dave Matthews that is named after a Dave Matthews Band song but listen: it’s delicious I’m sorry don’t @ me.

SUNDAY
I have 9 a.m. brunch plans with a friend and drink a cup of coffee beforehand thinking I will spend our time together pounding mimosas, but North Dakota has a bunch of weird blue laws and they can’t serve alcohol until 11 a.m.!!! So I have restaurant coffee that leaves me with heart palpitations for the rest of the day and actual, regular, human pancakes with butter and syrup. We end up talking for a long time, though, and stay until after 11, and so eventually we get mimosas after all. I have 3 with grapefruit juice.
For lunch I have Triscuits with cottage cheese and sriracha and get really involved in Tweeting and laundry and managing my toddler and don’t have anything else except for the last Mennonite oatmeal cookie.
Our friend invites us over to his new place for dinner and makes chicken adobo with brown rice and a salad with tomatoes and cucumbers. I bring along my stepmom’s special trifle recipe which is: go to the grocery store and buy an angel food cake, cut it up with some berries and whipped cream, bam you made fuckin’ dessert. I accidentally have a ton of blueberries though so I also turn some into syrup and we have spritzers because I saw them on PBS when Lidia Bastianich make them. As I was making this I realized I’ve been drinking ~spritzers~ since high school in the form of ITALIAN SODAS from a coffee shop downtown except they use Torani syrup and this is the real deal. Anyway, they’re nowhere near as good as the coffee shop sodas, but everything else is amazing!!!

Monday, May 2

Types of Mushrooms

  1. Chanterelle
  2. Vondelle
  3. Shirelle
  4. Death Cap
  5. Button
  6. Morel
  7. Forest Gherkin 
  8. Giant Puffball
  9. Ramskull
  10. Club Foot
  11. Portobello 
  12. Cremini 
  13. Porcino
  14. Moon Shell
  15. Pope's Nose
  16. Fly Agaric
  17. Earthstar
  18. Seer's Shield  
  19. Oyster
  20. Nautilus

Sunday, January 24

Short Talks: On the Moon


On Moonlight
The sun is the light she borrows to illuminate us. We are the shadow we inflict upon her. 

On the Terminator 
The moon is lit and unlit and sometimes it is fully lit and sometimes it is dark, but this is rare. Mostly it is light on one side and dark on the other and this binary of light and dark changes daily where the light grows and the dark shrinks or the light shrinks and the dark grows. The exact moment between these two, between light and dark, the exact line of change in luminescence (of and lack thereof), is titled "The Terminator."

On Tidal Lock
The moon's body is locked to the earth's. They spin together in unison so that all we ever see is the perfect face of the moon with its oceans and seas and scars. My body is locked to the moon's.

On Maria
Lunar maria (or mare, if singular, if you are talking about only one) is a name of a woman given to the deep grey basaltic plains that from two hundred thousand miles away look like maybe, yes, they might be oceans or seas.

On the Regolith
The surface of the moon is covered in a fine powder which is titled "The Regolith" but regolith is a thing, not just a name for the fine powder on the surface on the moon, not just a thing that exists there. It is any loose, rocky or fine powder composed of ground down geological bits: minerals, etc.. When there is a loose, rocky or fine geological powder on the moon we title it "The Reglolith."

On Our Only Natural Satellite
Our only natural satellite is one made of the earth's own body: a long lost piece ripped off and molded back into a shape separate from our own. Maybe we miss her? Maybe that's why we're locked together? Maybe that's why we've spent all of our time here staring up at her body? Maybe we miss the mass of her body burning inside of our own? Maybe we are missing a piece of ourselves?
"Short Talks: On the Moon" is inspired, of course, by Anne Carson's Short Talks.

Sunday, January 10

Interview Questions for Leonardo DiCaprio


What was Gisele like? Because she seems like a pretty chill person. Not fun, exactly, like I bet she never drinks more than half a glass of white wine maybe once a month, but I feel like there are some days where she has that half glass and kind of sits back and looks off toward the sea and then says, "We should get some pot." And the next thing you know it's clouded and sunset and you're walking in the surf and she's telling you a story about the time she saw the Catatumbo lightning and you're just like, "Wow. I'm having a really magical evening with Gisele Bundchen. She is so much taller than me." I honestly don't know anything about Gisele Bundchen except her name and that you guys dated.

What kind of pills are you on right now?

What do you think Toby Maguire is doing? I bet if we called him he'd be all, "Nothin'. What's up with you?" We should call him.

Which character from your movies do you most relate to? Because I feel like it's probably the kid from The Beach, or that scary slave owner from Django.

Tell me about the smartest model you've dated and what is she up to now?

Do you ever Facetime with the old gang ("The Pussy Posse") to talk about old times and one guy like, has his new baby daughter in his arms and he's telling you about the delivery and how proud of his wife he is, and another one is like, "I'm shopping around my first novel right now and I don't have any bites yet but I've gotten a lot of promising feedback from publishers and it just feels really good, feels really good to have completed something I care about so deeply, that is so deeply attached to me and who I am, it just feels good even if it's a little discouraging right now." And then another guy is like, "I can't tell you how much my life has changed since I went to rehab. I'm sober and I feel amazing. I just completed my third marathon." And you're totally silent and just repeating "Don's Plum Don's Plum Don's Plum" over and over in your mind while your mouth fills with blood?

Do you ever just want to stop pandering to the Academy and finally make The Beach 2? Do you think Tilda Swinton would go for it? I don't think she would. 

Thursday, January 7

Top Five Favorite Fish

 

A Manta Ray is a large fish that is named after bats, blankets and the devil. They can grow very large, as large as my living room, and I've seen photos of divers skitching on them which is pretty rude and also illegal in some cities. Manta Rays are related to sharks and skates but are arguably cooler on account of their rad bodies (which I do not say to shame shark bodies; all bodies are beautiful, some are bat bodies, though). Similar to baleen whales, they eat by swimming around with their mouths open and just spitting out whatever isn't food through their gills, which is also how I eat.


Whale Sharks are the largest fish we have right now. I say "right now" because we don't know a Goddamn thing about the ocean and nobody is really doing anything about it. According to David Attenborough in the 2001 BBC series Blue Planet, more people have been to space than have been to the bottom of the ocean. How come Richard Branson hasn't developed Virgin Submariner? Space sucks and is overrated. There isn't anything up there except a bunch of trash. Did you know that every single time somebody makes a deep sea submarine dive they discover a new species? And you idiots want to go to space.



The Oarfish is the longest of the bony fish (don't get it twisted, though; they are not the largest) and is basically a beautiful deep sea ribbon dancer. They are very rare and the only time we ever see them is when they're dead or about to die, and if I'm being honest none of us deserve to see them alive, let alone dead.


I like Greenland Sharks because they look gross and are gross. They live in super cold water and their blood is made of antifreeze. They smell like pee. They almost exclusively eat dead stuff, including reindeer and other ridiculous things that fall through the ice up there. Traditional Viking food includes Greenland shark meat that has been fermented underground for a year and is all gelatinous and terrible. The Vikings were fucking crazy.


The Ocean Sunfish is probably my #1 Fish. They are the largest of the bony fish and weigh a lot. They are dumb looking. They look prehistoric and super weird. I don't even really understand how they swim. In the "Open Ocean" episode of Blue Planet a sunfish like, bobs or floats to the surface and lets some fish eat its parasites. But then the fish aren't doing a very good job, so it flips over and floats right on the surface of the water and a seagull gets on its body and starts eating all of its parasites!!! It's wild. How did they even tell each other that that was cool? How does a fish give a bird enthusiastic consent? Also this happened last year and was the literal highlight of my summer. Bonus: here is someone's weird Ocean Sunfish Pinterest board.