Monday, May 2

Types of Mushrooms

  1. Chanterelle
  2. Vondelle
  3. Shirelle
  4. Death Cap
  5. Button
  6. Morel
  7. Forest Gherkin 
  8. Giant Puffball
  9. Ramskull
  10. Club Foot
  11. Portobello 
  12. Cremini 
  13. Porcino
  14. Moon Shell
  15. Pope's Nose
  16. Fly Agaric
  17. Earthstar
  18. Seer's Shield  
  19. Oyster
  20. Nautilus

Sunday, January 24

Short Talks: On the Moon

On Moonlight
The sun is the light she borrows to illuminate us. We are the shadow we inflict upon her. 

On the Terminator 
The moon is lit and unlit and sometimes it is fully lit and sometimes it is dark, but this is rare. Mostly it is light on one side and dark on the other and this binary of light and dark changes daily where the light grows and the dark shrinks or the light shrinks and the dark grows. The exact moment between these two, between light and dark, the exact line of change in luminescence (of and lack thereof), is titled "The Terminator."

On Tidal Lock
The moon's body is locked to the earth's. They spin together in unison so that all we ever see is the perfect face of the moon with its oceans and seas and scars. My body is locked to the moon's.

On Maria
Lunar maria (or mare, if singular, if you are talking about only one) is a name of a woman given to the deep grey basaltic plains that from two hundred thousand miles away look like maybe, yes, they might be oceans or seas.

On the Regolith
The surface of the moon is covered in a fine powder which is titled "The Regolith" but regolith is a thing, not just a name for the fine powder on the surface on the moon, not just a thing that exists there. It is any loose, rocky or fine powder composed of ground down geological bits: minerals, etc.. When there is a loose, rocky or fine geological powder on the moon we title it "The Reglolith."

On Our Only Natural Satellite
Our only natural satellite is one made of the earth's own body: a long lost piece ripped off and molded back into a shape separate from our own. Maybe we miss her? Maybe that's why we're locked together? Maybe that's why we've spent all of our time here staring up at her body? Maybe we miss the mass of her body burning inside of our own? Maybe we are missing a piece of ourselves?
"Short Talks: On the Moon" is inspired, of course, by Anne Carson's Short Talks.

Sunday, January 10

Interview Questions for Leonardo DiCaprio

What was Gisele like? Because she seems like a pretty chill person. Not fun, exactly, like I bet she never drinks more than half a glass of white wine maybe once a month, but I feel like there are some days where she has that half glass and kind of sits back and looks off toward the sea and then says, "We should get some pot." And the next thing you know it's clouded and sunset and you're walking in the surf and she's telling you a story about the time she saw the Catatumbo lightning and you're just like, "Wow. I'm having a really magical evening with Gisele Bundchen. She is so much taller than me." I honestly don't know anything about Gisele Bundchen except her name and that you guys dated.

What kind of pills are you on right now?

What do you think Toby Maguire is doing? I bet if we called him he'd be all, "Nothin'. What's up with you?" We should call him.

Which character from your movies do you most relate to? Because I feel like it's probably the kid from The Beach, or that scary slave owner from Django.

Tell me about the smartest model you've dated and what is she up to now?

Do you ever Facetime with the old gang ("The Pussy Posse") to talk about old times and one guy like, has his new baby daughter in his arms and he's telling you about the delivery and how proud of his wife he is, and another one is like, "I'm shopping around my first novel right now and I don't have any bites yet but I've gotten a lot of promising feedback from publishers and it just feels really good, feels really good to have completed something I care about so deeply, that is so deeply attached to me and who I am, it just feels good even if it's a little discouraging right now." And then another guy is like, "I can't tell you how much my life has changed since I went to rehab. I'm sober and I feel amazing. I just completed my third marathon." And you're totally silent and just repeating "Don's Plum Don's Plum Don's Plum" over and over in your mind while your mouth fills with blood?

Do you ever just want to stop pandering to the Academy and finally make The Beach 2? Do you think Tilda Swinton would go for it? I don't think she would. 

Thursday, January 7

Top Five Favorite Fish


A Manta Ray is a large fish that is named after bats, blankets and the devil. They can grow very large, as large as my living room, and I've seen photos of divers skitching on them which is pretty rude and also illegal in some cities. Manta Rays are related to sharks and skates but are arguably cooler on account of their rad bodies (which I do not say to shame shark bodies; all bodies are beautiful, some are bat bodies, though). Similar to baleen whales, they eat by swimming around with their mouths open and just spitting out whatever isn't food through their gills, which is also how I eat.

Whale Sharks are the largest fish we have right now. I say "right now" because we don't know a Goddamn thing about the ocean and nobody is really doing anything about it. According to David Attenborough in the 2001 BBC series Blue Planet, more people have been to space than have been to the bottom of the ocean. How come Richard Branson hasn't developed Virgin Submariner? Space sucks and is overrated. There isn't anything up there except a bunch of trash. Did you know that every single time somebody makes a deep sea submarine dive they discover a new species? And you idiots want to go to space.

The Oarfish is the longest of the bony fish (don't get it twisted, though; they are not the largest) and is basically a beautiful deep sea ribbon dancer. They are very rare and the only time we ever see them is when they're dead or about to die, and if I'm being honest none of us deserve to see them alive, let alone dead.

I like Greenland Sharks because they look gross and are gross. They live in super cold water and their blood is made of antifreeze. They smell like pee. They almost exclusively eat dead stuff, including reindeer and other ridiculous things that fall through the ice up there. Traditional Viking food includes Greenland shark meat that has been fermented underground for a year and is all gelatinous and terrible. The Vikings were fucking crazy.

The Ocean Sunfish is probably my #1 Fish. They are the largest of the bony fish and weigh a lot. They are dumb looking. They look prehistoric and super weird. I don't even really understand how they swim. In the "Open Ocean" episode of Blue Planet a sunfish like, bobs or floats to the surface and lets some fish eat its parasites. But then the fish aren't doing a very good job, so it flips over and floats right on the surface of the water and a seagull gets on its body and starts eating all of its parasites!!! It's wild. How did they even tell each other that that was cool? How does a fish give a bird enthusiastic consent? Also this happened last year and was the literal highlight of my summer. Bonus: here is someone's weird Ocean Sunfish Pinterest board.

Wednesday, December 23

The Best Things I Read Recently

"I don’t like the experience of being unconscious and asleep.I don’t like feeling dead for seven hours. I don’t like the feeling of nothingness, so I don’t like this idea of waking up and you’re at your highest power and it just starts being drained throughout the day until you’re nonexistent and then you’re born again. I gain my powers throughout the day. I become exuberant when night comes around. I become extravagant about what I think I can do and be. I feel like I’m creative and better able to imagine who I can be or what I can be capable of. I also don’t like these units of morning and afternoon and then night. I don’t like the idea that night is for leisure and for socializing, for going out, and morning is for being productive, or afternoon is a lazy interlude. Morning is so professional."

"My mother thinks I am still twelve–that I still love Doctor Who, that I laugh at the same things, that I read what I used to or understand the world in the same way. She sends me Pez dispensers for Christmas. I put them away."