Wednesday, January 27

Just need to get some thoughts down.

I made plans and changed them and made new plans and changed them. I am always doing that, it's what I do and I hate it just as much as you do. Tentative plans as of today:

March - Grand Forks
July - San Francisco

Time Off
Fuck that.

I'm going to go to school non-stop until I finish this fucking degree. Summer classes, ya'll. Ideally I'll be taking 12 credits. Then in the Fall I'll take another 18, then the following Spring semester I'll take 12 or however many I need to graduate, because if all goes according to plan that will be my final semester in undergrad.

After that, I've been doing some thinking. I have nowhere to go and nowhere I want to be and zero plans for anything after I graduate. For the last couple of years I've sort of entertained the idea of moving to Savannah, Georgia. It's small enough to feel cozy but big enough to not suck, there's a pretty nice art school there which means lots of cute creative types and the more I think about it the more I like the idea of marrying a bearded Southern gentleman-type who likes to swim in the sea and has freckles. I would work for the newspaper and wear a lot of linen and crepe and hats and high-heeled sandals but little make-up (there's not much point in the humidity) and he could be an artist maybe, or a librarian or a teacher. Plus I'd be near enough to my brother that I could play crazy auntie to his soon-to-be new daughter. Which would be fun.
Savannah just kind of popped into my head the other day. I was thinking about living there and then on the back end someone said, "Hey. The Savannah College of Art and Design has a creative writing MFA program. Maybe you could do that?" Of course I'm really going to need to work on a clean, amazing body of work to submit to get into the program first and I have been absolutely not fucking writing in the last two years, but it's something to think about.

I've also been thinking about skipping graduate school and just getting a second BA in something. I have no idea what. Maybe go back to art? Communications? I'm just not sure.

I am working at my school's newspaper, this being the third paper I've worked for now. I am just a reporter and it's boring and stupid and I picked up a copy of the paper that my first article was in but I didn't read it and I have a feeling I'll never read any of what's in the paper ever save for maybe a crossword puzzle, if they have one, but I didn't see one. But it's not hard work. Journalism has always been easy for me, and it's the same way that other people who are good with their hands but don't actually like laborious work and find it unfulfilling and dull that I find reporting. I was looking at my article in the paper (but not reading it) and was pleased with how large it was. Many publications pay per inch and I must have had 10 inches in that article. I recalled how my only paying story for the Independent was a half a page and I made $80 from it. And maybe I don't like it, maybe I'm never going to love it or look down at my writing in a newspaper and feel proud of excited but it is something that will always pay the bills. And I'm good enough at it that other people think it's worthy of printing. And it's a lot better than working in the service industry. And there is, of course, a certain glamour in being a reporter, isn't there? I could be Lois Lane.

And then I've been thinking about teaching English abroad. Korea or Japan, but I have a small background in French so it might not be too terrible to look into a French-speaking nation. I am concerned, however, that they may be apprehensive about hiring an under-thirty unmarried American woman. Can I get married in the next two years? I think it might help.

I don't know what's going to happen or where I'm headed. I was listening to the Gaslight Anthem and felt strange because all of those lyrics about feeling trapped no longer apply to me. I have nothing but options. I can go anywhere and do anything. The problem is that I feel lost. There's nowhere in the whole world that I want to be, no place anywhere that I want to go. And I have all of these options but I don't feel especially drawn to any of them. I don't feel drawn to anything. I almost wish someone, anyone, would extend an invitation, "Come live here, with me. We don't know each other very well, but we will. We can. I love it here and so will you."

God, it's 10 o'clock and I haven't done any of my grammar homework, which is due tomorrow morning. This isn't sad, I'm not sad about any of this. Just lost. Anyway, here are some pictures.

What I wore today.

Squid I'm working on.


A monster I drew on a folder today.

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