Tuesday, January 5

My only life goal is to not wake up at 30 still working a job I fucking hate. The O. Henry, the farm in Vermont, the intelligent, worshiping husband, I will put all of that on the shelf if it means I can just have a job for the rest of my life that doesn't make me want to kill myself. I'm not good with tediousness and I'm not good at pretending to enjoy something I don't actually like. I'm not good at "playing the game."

Maybe not the intelligent, worshiping husband, actually. I don't want to be Rhoda Manning when I'm older. I want to be in love, and I miss being in love. I love being in love, and I want to be married some day to someone who loves me and fucks me and gets me and reads to me and makes things for me and cleans up after himself and loves animals and children.

But I'm not looking for that right now. I'm not out looking for a husband, I'm not working toward the ultimate goal of love and marriage and life long happiness. I know that will fall into my lap. I'm not concerned. I am concerned about being a listless, tired, miserable lump who has to wake up five days a week to earn a begrudging pay check that doesn't mean anything, that hurts to earn it, that feels wrong and sad and unwarranted. It's not that I hate working, I just hate working when it means being unhappy and feeling like my talents are being wasted. There are millions of people who can put that behind them and earn a paycheck for the sake of a paycheck at a shitty job they can't stand. "You hate your job, too? There's a support group for that. We meet at the bar." I'm not one of those people. I wasn't raised to be one of those people, it's not in me to be one of those people. There's so much I'm willing to lose and sacrifice if it means not being one of those people.

I'm 23, and it might seem silly to already feel tired of the rat race. I'm not going to do it, though. My own happiness means more to me than anything else in the world and if I'm going to survive on this plane of existence, if I'm going to survive at all, I need a job, a career, that means more to me than a fucking paycheck.

No comments: