Sunday, April 18

The One Hundred

In 2008 Nina Garcia wrote a book called The One Hundred: A Guide to the Pieces Every Stylish Woman Must Own. Several bloggers have briefly reprinted the list. Some of it's pretty practical and useful and some of it is fucking bullshit. I feel pretty confidant that Nina Garcia is insane, anyway.
I decided to make my own 100 list. It's taken a lot of time and thought on my part and I hope you'll read over everything and maybe consider your own wardrobe while you're at it. Enjoy.

1. Black Converse All-Stars. Because you never really grew out of that middle school punk rock thing, did you?

2. Edible Undies. In case you get hungry.

3. Something Offensive to the Religious Right. Ideally it has an upside-down cross or a 666 on it somewhere.

4. Pasties. Double points if they've got tassels. You win if you can make them twirl in the opposite direction.

5. Scuba Suit. You're right, sharks don't have to wear scuba suits. But you're not a shark.

6. A Really Tight Pair of Jeans. I mean really tight. Camel toe tight. Yeast infection tight.

7. Freakum Dress. For when you want a dick in your ass.

8. Something Made Out of Seal Skin. Buy it in Canada.

9. Full Body Spandex Jumpsuit. Looks cool with boots.

10. Studded Leather Bikini. Just in case of an apocalypse.

11. Bike Shorts. IDK.

12. Leopard Print Thong. Just trust me.

13. Turbie Twist. Nobody likes wet hair, and if you can dry it looking like a moron then why not?! I like white because it shows blood.

14. A Crinoline. You don't know for sure that you're never going square dancing.

15. Captain's Hat. You're a boss.

16. Something With a Penis Printed On It. Because you like dick. And even if you don't, it'll make a great conversation piece.

17. Fishnets. Thigh-highs for when you want to look slutty, tights/leggings for when you want to look fucking cool as shit.

18. One of Your Ex-Boyfriend's Favorite Band T-Shirts. That guy was a fucking asshole anyway.

19. Sequin Shorts. I want your ass to sparkle, girl.

20. Wizard Hat. Put it on with a robe.

21. Fur Hood With Puff Balls. Whimsical, adorable, cruel.

22. One-Size-Too-Small Corset. Makes your tits look bigger and your waist look smaller.

23. Cowboy Boots. In case you're ever in Texas.

24. School Girl Uniform. Because you wanted to fuck your French teacher in 11th grade and your boyfriend's accent is passable after a cocktail.

25. Ridiculously Ugly But Super Warm Coat. Who gives it a shit what you look like when it's 4 degrees out?

26. Something Chainmail. Preferably a thong but we'll take whatever we can get.

27. Joke Sunglasses. Best worn when you have no sense of humor, such as during mourning or when you're hung over.

28. Gun Holster. Put a beer in it.

29. Conversation-Starting Bikini. If you're from the South, Rebel Flag. If you're from the North, Yankees or Red Sox. If you're from California, thong. If you're from the Mid-West, mayonnaise.

30. Sock Puppet. In case you need to convey something important to a child.

31. Velvet Rope. So you can do this and it's comfy around the office.

32. Period Underwear. You don't want to bleed into your La Perlas, do you?

33. Mao Hat. Because it makes you look like a douche.

34. Boots with the Fur. The whole club will be looking at you.

35. Something Made Out of Meat. You look good in bologna.

36. Birthday Suit. Wear it on your birthday only.

37. Something that Draws the Eye to the Boobies. We want to look at them. Give us an excuse.

38. Monkey Socks. Because.

39. Something that Makes You Look Fat. Wear it when you feel like your friends are starting to get annoyed by your beauty.

40. Anything Latex. Looks good on all body types.

41. Something Ving Rhames Would Wear. That guy kicks ass.

42. Morrissey T-Shirt. You can rub it on your genitals if you want. But only once.

43. Body Paint. Don't wear it in the rain.

44. Animal Mask. For whimsical photo shoots.

45. A Beard. Very becoming.

46. Cop Uniform. I love a man in uniform.

47. Feather Boa. Make the girls at the Queen Mary jealous.

48. "Security" T-shirt. Makes you look authoritative.

49. Cosplay Outfit. Your choice of character. Wear it to Pokemon tourneys and anime/comic cons.

50. Magic Wand. I always like Card Captor Sakura's.

51. Backpack. That shit is functional as fuck.

52. A Tiny Purse to Carry with Your Backpack. Not functional enough, apparently.

53. Something Made Out of Horse Hair. Horses are fucking assholes anyway.

54. Huge-Hole-Armpit Tank Top. Trendy and breezy. Bonus: Side-boob.

55. "ZERO" T-Shirt. You were angsty in the 90s and you're angsty now. That's called commitment.

56. Pink Tube Socks. Will add flair to any outfit.

57. Mickey Mouse Ears. Fun when drunk.

58. Super Avant Garde Footwear. You know what I'm talking about. Biba, Miu Miu, those hooves Alexander McQueen did. Break 'em out once every 10 years and they'll always be chic. Try not to walk so much, though.

59. Girly Sundress. Makes dudes want to fuck you, makes moms tell you you're pretty. Double fuckin' whammy.

60. Goalie Mask. Paint Eddie on that shit and wear it to fist fights.

61. Motorcycle Jacket. Also wear this to fist fights.

62. Cape. Understated houndstooth is for pussies. Get that shit in purple lamé with a black velvet lining.

63. Kimono. Skip the obi, you weeaboo.

64. Some Guy's Old Undershirt. These are always the softest things in the world. Avoid white, though.

65. Denim Jacket. Cute with a hoodie underneath and a dress. Bad ass and trashy with blue jeans. Never fear a Canadian tuxedo. Never fear anything Canadian, really.

66. T-shirt With a Whale On It. If you want me to make out with you.

67. Freckles. Cute on everyone!

68. Something With a Big Heart Printed On It. This just appeals to me, really.

69. Fancy Black Vest. Will be handy when you get server gigs from Craigslist.

70. Crop Tops. I don't give a shit what your stomach looks like, I just want to be sure that you came here to party.

71. Stuff With Cats. Printed dresses, t-shirts, panties, ANYTHING with a cat on it is instantly chic.

72. Gingham Top. Bonus if it's got ruching and off-the-shoulder puff sleeves. Wear to picnics and when playing with kittens or puppies. Pigtails not required, but preferred.

73. Black Over the Knee Socks. These are popular right now with skirts and dresses. When they stop being trendy, you can just wear them to bed, because they sexy and warm.

74. A Metallic Shoe. Jazzy!

75. Plastic Tiara. We already know you think highly of yourself, might as well make it official.

76. A Good Disguise. You never know.

77. Colored Bobby Pins. Your hair is fucking boring, Jesus Christ, let's zazz that rat's nest up before I vomit.

78. Tool Belt. Put beers in it. Or puppies. Never tools.

79. Baseball Regalia. Rep your favorite team. That shit is adorable until you start calling not-baseball season "The Void." That's when you're Jimmy Fallon in Fever Pitch and nobody wants to date you.

80. Glittery Nail Polish. Turn all of your fingers into disco sticks.

81. Crotchless Panties. I once found a pair at a thrift store when I was little. My mom said they were so peeing was more convenient. And she was right!

82. Black Tube Dress. Black because it's classy. Tube dress because it's tight and kind of slutty. Best of both worlds. Van Hagar style, though, because mostly it's trashy.

83. A Bathrobe. Fuck that Dude shit, a bathrobe is an integral part in any wardrobe. It allows one to be warm AND cozy while wearing pajamas or clothing around the household and also to be in front of family members and strangers while essentially being naked. Nobody has to know. Go ahead, check the mail in that shit.

84. Something White That You Love. Jeans or something. Something white and then get barbeque sauce on it. You're not a real person until you get barbeque sauce on something white that you love.

85. Topless Bikini. In case you're ever in Europe.

86. Micro Bikini. In case you ever shoot a porno.

87. Dickie. Because sometimes you want to layer a turtleneck under your sweaters without actually wearing a turtleneck. Also because you're insane.

88. A Dress Slip. Wear it with pearls and a cocktail and slap around some little girls and you're my hero Miss Hannigan!

89. Pearl Earrings. No point in paying for a pearl necklace when your favorite boy can give you one for free. BA-ZING!

90. Exotic Reptilian Purse or Shoes. Nah, I'm just kidding, that shit is weird and I know you can't afford it.

91. Suit of Armor. Protection when in battle, plus you get an awesome work out just wearing it. Bonus: You get a little boy to help you put it on and take it off and that shit will scare Shaggy and Scooby every time.

92. Chompos. This is what my friends and I called cheap flip flops when we were kids. They cost .99 and give you blisters, but if you're like me then you're always in public showers and that's really no place to be barefoot.

93. Bump It. You're lazy and your hair doesn't really respond to teasing.

94. Viking Helmet. Really sexy. Avoid clotheslines, though, especially if you're a cartoon.

95. White Converse All-Stars. For when you need to step up your 1950's tom boy outfit.

96. Do-Me-Heels. I like to wear mine to weddings and bar mitzvahs.

97. Some Sort of Fake Ears. Like cat ears or rabbit ears or Vulcan ears. Great if you need a Halloween costume in a pinch or if your new girlfriend is a freak.

98. Big Juicy Cable Knit Sweater. Will be super cozy and warm when you visit the lake of Innisfree. No, you won't look like a tourist...

99. Flannel Shirt. The most versatile thing you'll ever own. Great for camping, logging, alternative rock concerts, fishing trips and make-shift pajamas when you got ladies over and they're cold.

100. Leather Pants. You can't ride a motorcycle or a dragon without them.

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