TV Chef - Sometime in the late 90's The Food Network became a part of regular TV and I was quickly sucked into watching people cook food I wouldn't ever eat but still wanted to know how it was prepared. I loved the dubbed version of Iron Chef and The Naked Chef, and later fell in love, along with everyone else in America, with Giada De Laurentiis. Having the overactive imagination of a writer, in my teenage years everything I cooked became a demonstration for the cooking show I starred in in my head.
These days I cook more often than I have time to slowly slice peppers while pyschicly narrating my process to a pretend studio audience, but from time to time I do let myself get into it. I even have shows: Everything but the Kitchen Sink - a show where a seasoned chef (me, lol) enters into an unsuspecting household and cooks a great meal using only the ingredients that were already on site (I do this one when I have to improvise). The other is an unnamed show that's sort of like What Not to Wear, where nutritionists and chefs and doctors and what not rate the food a household consumes weekly based on health, taste and cost and then offers suggestions for improvement. I pretend this show when I'm feeling smug about eating well, or feeling bad about pretending to eat well but knowing better.
To be totally fair to the job, though, I am sort of a star patient and I really try to power through discomfort for the sake of the professionals working on me. A friend on Facebook is a dental assistant and posts regularly about being bitten and scolding all of her followers to, for the love of God, floss. Taking care of your teeth is a relatively easy thing to do withstanding genetic dispositions and finances, so it's probably really frustrating to see patient after patient who can afford good health but still doesn't give enough of a fuck about their oral hygiene to do such an inexpensive and easy thing as flossing. I would probably become really bitter about the way people take care of their teeth and go crazy.
I still really love marine biology, whales and sharks in particular. I've seen The Blue Planet a thousand times and it never fails to make my heart full with wonder and joy (Could just be David Attenborough's voice though?) and The Life Aquatic is one of my favorite movies. I know I am too pale, too spoiled and too whiny to really live the life of a scientist, but it's still one of my dreams to see a whale IRL (ideally this guy or this one).
Post-birth control I've dated lots of greasy, sweaty dudes who think I'm joking when I say "You know, a back scrubber would really help clear up your skin," so it soon became a shared activity, something I did with someone I loved. Like gorillas. Like apes, like primates, which is what I and my husband and all of my exboyfriends and you and everyone we know are. So there.
Whether or not I would enjoy doing it as a job is questionable. Occasionally I'll YouTube extractions and what not and some of the things I've seen have haunted me. I won't even link to that stuff here because that shit is like witchcraft and weird porn and recipes for Brussels sprouts: if you want to find it you need to do it on your own. I don't know that I would be able to stomach lancing huge cysts and cleaning up all the blood and gore, but in my head the job is just comedones, pore strips and other minor skin ails that don't require scalpels.
Now that I've totally overshared some of my pretend professions, maybe you'll tell me some of yours and I won't feel like such a weirdo.