Thursday, March 20

Don't Exercise

It's been about a year now since I made exercise a regular part of my life and it's fine, whatever, I probably won't die from heart disease and if I stopped eating so much cheese I might actually have a hot bod, but listen. There is a lot of stuff they don't tell you about working out. All you ever hear is that it's soooo good for you and you're going to feel great and it's an investment in your self and your body and your life. I mean, maybe, but you know what? That's not all there is to it. They're not telling you everything. There are downsides to exercising. I'm going to tell you the truth.

1.When everyone decides to start exercising they buy a bunch of cute gym clothes and new sneakers and they have like 3-5 outfits of pants, socks, shirts and maybe special underwear for the gym. If you're a lady this also includes fancy bras. So you work out for a while and then after a couple months you notice that all your cute clothes are also now your stinky clothes. As it turns out, gym funk doesn't just wash out. When I was in high school I thought my gym clothes stunk because I never brought them home to be washed (to be fair, in gym I also did as little physical activity as humanly possible, but standing still and dribbling a basketball for an hour 5 days a week every week for 3 years in the same gear, you acquire some odor points ok); I was wrong. Clothes you pump in get gnarly. I'm at a point where I don't even like throwing my gym clothes in with the rest of my dirty laundry because I'm afraid of the smell transferring. I would throw it all out, but that leads me to my next point.

2.Workout gear is expensive. I recently started running and need shorts that won't ride up but also won't rub together between my thighs and give me chub rub (I think normal people just call this chafing?). I did some research and people are telling me to buy Lululemon shorts like I have pope money or something. Additionally, exercise requires other accoutrements, specifically better bras and sneakers. I have this stuff already and everything I have does an okay job, but I'm approaching 30 and when you're middle aged you know you have special needs when it comes to exercise. Like, I simply cannot do a bench press because of an old shoulder injury. If I was 20 I could do it fine, but I'm brittle now. I probably shouldn't even be running in my old ass Reeboks, I should be wearing like, $300 swim socks with toes and taping my knees and wearing a compression shirt. I like shopping and I like to exercise, but I am reluctant to spend a lot on something I'm just going to make stinky.

3. Probably the most frustrating thing that's happened to me since I started working out was how my body changed. This is supposed to be the good part, right, working out is going to make you thinner, and being thinner is good! This is a lie and a sham and propaganda. I don't know that I've gotten thinner (like I said, I eat a lot of cheese) but I do know that parts of my body have gotten bigger, particularly my legs, butt and arms. I think people are usually into this, but I have a hard time dealing with my favorite clothes no longer fitting properly. And all that motivational stuff out there is like ~Think how fun going shopping is going to be when you're fit!~ but I don't want to buy new stuff. I mean, I do, but not because nothing I already own no longer fits. I like my clothes and I want to continue wearing them.

4. Finally, the worst thing about exercise is that people who exercise are awful, and no matter how hard you try you will just end up being one of those people. You'll be chatting with your friends over a beer, totally normal, and out of nowhere you'll start talking about working out. Maybe you'll make some funny Tweets about the guy on the squat rack next to you. Maybe you'll take some innocent gym snaps on a particularly sweaty day. Maybe you'll try to recruit your friends into joining you on a run, you know, for fun. It starts out small like that, but it builds, and the next thing you know you're making lentil tacos for dinner, you can't get a workout in without Tweeting about it and your friends are like "You're insufferable!" because you're starting another story with "Today at the gym..." This fate is unavoidable, and if you want to not stink and wear your clothes and keep your friends, you're better off just not exercising at all.


Tanie said...

my ex works out a lot and he uses a special detergent for workout clothes to keep his fresh, that would be less expensive than replacing everything!

Rhiannon Admidas said...

I did consider that it was my detergent and switched to the baking soda stuff. It was a huge help over the hippie hypoallergenic stuff I usually use.