Watching people get super revved up over sports is really hard. They get so invested in games and rules and players, they get tense and emotional and have physical, uninhibited reactions, and I'm usually just struggling to get a buzz. I literally do not care at all about anything that much, so watching sports with people often leaves me feeling very empty. Am I missing something? Am I a sociopath? Why don't I love anything?
This year I'm going to love baseball. It's the year, it's my year, and I'm going to watch games and care. I think. I'm going to try. But I have to pick a team first.
I live in North Dakota so our default team is the Minnesota Twins. This is an okay team. The colors are okay, the ball park is really beautiful and close enough to go see games, and the name allows for lots of fun boob jokes. A few years ago the team also used to be full of cuties, which is a huge bonus, but they really suck and Joe Mauer has lost his twinky, whole milk Minnesota sex appeal so I'm just not all that interested.
My other default option is the Detroit Tigers. This is my husband's team. Aside from this just being a default, the colors are okay, the mascot is great (I am a 1986 Tiger myself), and the ball park is lovely, if very far away. But I just feel like I need more than that.
Here is what I'm looking for in a team:
1. Good Colors - My spring palette is black, white, navy and denim and my accents are light blue and bubble gummy pink. I could do red but I'm hesitant because that was my fall accent color. I will not do purple, orange or green unless it's for the right team. I really like the White Sox colors but I don't even really know baseball and I know the White Sox are the most evil, despicable team in the league.
2. Good Mascot - I am not a fish, not a pirate, not a racist caricature, not a sock. I would love to be a bird, but I'm having some issues with the colors of the birds. The Orioles sound really lovely but I just don't know if I can avoid that orange enough to put together a solid baseball outfit. I was very sad to find that the Maple Leafs are a hockey team.
3. Least Amount of Douchebag Players - I'd like to cheer for a roster that doesn't include a long list of accused rapists, wife beaters, drug addicts, bigots and/or assholes. Sluts are okay.
4. Largest Amount of Cuties - Baseball butts, amirite? If a team has 5 or more cuties in this range of bangability, let's go. I'm on board. As far as I'm concerned a good team roster should be 2/3 boy band good looks and 1/3 Prince Fielder's vegan bear hotness.
5. Interesting Chants, Supserstitions, Lore - One of the best things about baseball is how weird it is. Put your hat on inside out and don't talk to the guy who's pitching a no hitter and everyone's on LSD and the wave keeps happening and Kiss Cam. This stuff is super fun, but I'd really love to find a team that has their own special brand of weird. At Rockies games there was a chant for Troy Tulowitzki and everyone said "Go Rocks!" which I just think is so fun because "rocks" is a good word to say. I think a team with a ghost would be fantastic.
The regular seasons starts in early April, so I've got some time to decide, and if I can't choose then I'll probably just get really into weight lifting or meth or some other activity that people can be passionate about and share their passion with others. I just want to fit in.