Thursday, January 7

Top Five Favorite Fish


A Manta Ray is a large fish that is named after bats, blankets and the devil. They can grow very large, as large as my living room, and I've seen photos of divers skitching on them which is pretty rude and also illegal in some cities. Manta Rays are related to sharks and skates but are arguably cooler on account of their rad bodies (which I do not say to shame shark bodies; all bodies are beautiful, some are bat bodies, though). Similar to baleen whales, they eat by swimming around with their mouths open and just spitting out whatever isn't food through their gills, which is also how I eat.

Whale Sharks are the largest fish we have right now. I say "right now" because we don't know a Goddamn thing about the ocean and nobody is really doing anything about it. According to David Attenborough in the 2001 BBC series Blue Planet, more people have been to space than have been to the bottom of the ocean. How come Richard Branson hasn't developed Virgin Submariner? Space sucks and is overrated. There isn't anything up there except a bunch of trash. Did you know that every single time somebody makes a deep sea submarine dive they discover a new species? And you idiots want to go to space.

The Oarfish is the longest of the bony fish (don't get it twisted, though; they are not the largest) and is basically a beautiful deep sea ribbon dancer. They are very rare and the only time we ever see them is when they're dead or about to die, and if I'm being honest none of us deserve to see them alive, let alone dead.

I like Greenland Sharks because they look gross and are gross. They live in super cold water and their blood is made of antifreeze. They smell like pee. They almost exclusively eat dead stuff, including reindeer and other ridiculous things that fall through the ice up there. Traditional Viking food includes Greenland shark meat that has been fermented underground for a year and is all gelatinous and terrible. The Vikings were fucking crazy.

The Ocean Sunfish is probably my #1 Fish. They are the largest of the bony fish and weigh a lot. They are dumb looking. They look prehistoric and super weird. I don't even really understand how they swim. In the "Open Ocean" episode of Blue Planet a sunfish like, bobs or floats to the surface and lets some fish eat its parasites. But then the fish aren't doing a very good job, so it flips over and floats right on the surface of the water and a seagull gets on its body and starts eating all of its parasites!!! It's wild. How did they even tell each other that that was cool? How does a fish give a bird enthusiastic consent? Also this happened last year and was the literal highlight of my summer. Bonus: here is someone's weird Ocean Sunfish Pinterest board.

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